For some of us, it’s hard to rest and relax - and that’s ok.
It’s that difficult time of year for me. A time when I feel under significant pressure. Outside my comfort zone. Out of my normal routine. Out of sync. A time in which I can feel unsettled, emotional and on edge. It’s holiday time.
I know that I am not alone. I know that many of my clients experience similar anxieties when it comes to holidays and taking in some downtime. I know that it can be a triggering time as the coping mechanisms that many of us use - including work, keeping busy and always being on the go and planning and do stuff - mechanisms that are at their heart about building distractions and barriers away from difficult feelings and tough emotions - are not fully available. For those of us who live in a state of hyper-vigilance (often as the result of trauma - sometimes from uncertainties when growing up: domestic violence; alcoholism and/or other addictions or dependancies in the family; neglect; bullying; abandonment; family divorce; abuse; and much more besides), it is not easy to switch this off and adopt a relaxed posture. Hands behind head. Feet up. Chilled vibes.
We are wired to being on edge. Looking out for threat and danger. Waiting for something bad to happen. Anticipating the next raised voice, hand or wine glass. Being ready to fight or flight.
Knowing these things helps me - and it helps me to help my clients. Knowing that I find it difficult to switch off and relax means two things to me. Firstly, it means that I don’t need to pressure myself or tell myself off for struggling to flick the “relax’ switch and to feel immediately in holiday mode. Secondly, it means that I need to put extra thought and planning into my downtime to help it work for me.
On the first - being kind to myself and accepting my feelings and struggles with relaxing - it helps me to understand why this is tough for me and why I struggle. We wouldn’t - hopefully - shout at someone who is struggling to do something despite trying their best to do it - so why would we do that to ourselves? Instead, I tell myself - and I help clients often to connect with their own similar feelings when they discuss it with me - that it’s ok that I don’t find it that easy to relax and “switch off” and remind myself of the reasons why.
I have spent a lot of the last few years working through my own history, lived experiences, trauma, and feelings to come to understand and work with my own depression and anxiety. This work had led me to successfully develop a sense of safety and security (most of the time) in my day to day life, which is built on the foundations of being close to my dearest loved ones (my wife and daughter and very few others); having and maintaining routines; quietness; certainty; feeling safe at home; sobriety; exercise; fresh air; being Irish and all things Ireland; reading; writing; listening to podcasts and music that brings me peace, joy and comfort; and, golf.
By definition, being away on holiday removes many of these things from my day-to-day life - albeit temporarily - and this can be unsettling. It is therefore totally understandable that I may feel fearful or anxious when we reach for the boarding passes, passports or suitcases. That is why I need the second - the forward-planning and extra thought to create those same feelings of peace and contentment when some of my normal coping mechanisms - like being in my own home - are not available to me.
I am writing this post from one such holiday. A potentially-deeply unsettling time - a much-different experience from my familiar, day to day life. This lack of familiarity is risky for me - it could, if not managed, provoke great anxiety - as I know it does in many of my clients. As a result, I invest a lot of time in bringing the familiarity with me.
This includes: writing this post - in a beautiful window setting (please see the photo posted with this blog) - I love writing - and I love my work - so I have some work-type stuff to read and write too (articles, books etc to help me stay connected with that meaningful activity part of my mental health jam jar, which I have written about before) - I am trying to write an article on eating disorders and therapy for a magazine; I am taking a break from sessions and not sending emails/doing work admin or other stuff, but I can still find joy in reading about things to do with work, which I enjoy; being in Ireland (always good for my soul) and visiting the same place we always visit - and my wonderful wife, Dr J, has been visiting for over 45 years; walking on the same beach every day, and around the same places that provide so much familiarity and peace; it is beautifully quiet here (and endearingly disconnected - both physically and technologically) from the world; I’m listening to my usual soundtrack of music (thank you Joni Mitchell, amongst others) and podcasts (thank you to ‘The Mooch’ and Katty Kay); I’m journaling every day; reading (including at least one piece of fiction - thank you John le Carre”; I have brought my own breakfast tea (and tea strainer) with me (as previously disclosed - I make a pot of Fortnum and Mason Irish Breakfast Tea every morning - before moving on to Barry’s or Yorkshire); I built up a pile of unread New York Times paper editions before setting off and have brought those - and access to the online edition - with me; alongside those things, it’s about trying to do the things that work at home, which include walking, running and watching LFC, which I did enjoy yesterday!
What prompted this blog and these reflections today? Well, the fact that I’m on holiday helped, but so too did the feeling - which I recognise - that I am not yet fully Donegalled - not yet slowing my walk down, sleeping well and feeling chilled, but it is coming. I feel the decompressing happening and I feel the benefit of knowing (and understanding) myself and doing the planning which helps me relax and unwind on my terms.
Although there can feel like a pressure to relax and switch off - to “enjoy” the holiday - I know how this works now and I know that I am relaxing and unwinding - I am just doing it in my own way. Holidays for me will never be about lying on beaches and sipping cocktails (or mocktails for the teetotals amongst us); they are about being at peace with myself and my surroundings, and that can include doing much of my home stuff away from home.
And for me, there is no home from home like being in Ireland. In Donegal. In Rathmullan. In the home in my heart. On the island I love. With my two favourite people.